


Two Sides

by cantodelcolibri



Series: Nothing More to Say (if you insist) [6]
Category: Tsubasa: Reservoir Chronicle
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, First Kiss, Fluff, M/M, Nihon Country, Talking, cuz infinity didnt count yall it did not count, in which fai and kurogane both aknowledge how terrible they've both been, lots of that umm, tomoyo is all knowing and fai is a bit uncomfortable
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-23
Updated: 2017-08-31
Packaged: 2018-12-18 20:34:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 9,282
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11882307
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cantodelcolibri/pseuds/cantodelcolibri
Summary: They had run into many magic users in between their travels, and Kurogane knew now that those with power- real power -couldn’t really hide it. Perhaps it was his mother’s blood in him that let him sense such things. He had a feeling that his level of sensitivity was usually only reserved for magic users themselves. He could sense how Sakura’s blazing star-bright magic grew every time she was joined with one of her feathers. The kid sparked like lightning, like a raging storm. The Witch felt like something ancient and powerful and dying. Fai was electric, cold, and terrifyingly infinite.Kurogane wondered, idly, as he stared dumbly up at the magician that had just punched him, if Fai’s magic in its halved state was stronger than Tomoyo’s. It would have to be measured at its half, because at the moment he knew Fai had very little left.Perhaps. Perhaps not. What did Kurogane know about magic?





	1. Straight Lines

**Author's Note:**

> i've had this written for two years im not even fuckin joking. finally made it. finally.

_ Nihon _

* * *

 

Everything in this castle seemed to be made out of straight lines. Not unusual, not really. Not when everything seemed to be made out of wood, paper, and cloth. And woven grass. Not much stone, Fai noticed. It seemed the stone was left as the base of the castle and the tilted walls surrounding it. 

He would need some sort of straight-edge to draw it. Back home everything had been curves and circles, arches and spirals. 

The tatami mat his cushion lay on was a bit mesmerizing to study. The off-yellow-almost-green color had a warm shine to it given by the daylight streaming through the line of windows. Despite the mugginess of the day, they were cool to the touch. A brown bird flew in lazy circles near the sun. Fai watched it through the window as he idly fanned himself. It was too small to be an eagle, the wrong shape to be a hawk or a falcon. But it was definitely some sort of bird of prey. 

Breakfast had been brought to him as he slept, the tray taken away an hour ago by a confused servant. He apologetically told her that he wasn’t hungry, but thanked her all the same. 

He didn’t think to tell her not to bother. 

Tying on the robes laid out for him again this morning had been difficult. He had no way of knowing if he was doing it right or wrong. At least it was only one sash he had to work with. He saw the women walking around in something that seemed a lot more complicated. 

“Fai- san?” A soft voice called from outside his door. 

Fai felt himself give a hum of acknowledgment, and that was all Tomoyo seemed to need to draw the screen door open. Fai found it a bit curious how she sat to call through the door, and remained sitting to open it, only standing to walk through, and then sit again to close the door behind her. Strange customs, this land had. Everything was very neat and ritualized. It explained a few things, Fai thought. 

“Fai-san?” He heard repeated. He looked up to see that she was joining him at his spot on the floor. Her many skirts flowing out gracefully behind her as she tucked them in to kneel and then sit on her forelegs. So very proper. Kurogane sat in a similar way, sometimes. But mostly he did it with spread knees. Fai was sitting with his legs to the side. 

“Yes, Tomoyo-hime?” 

“Just Tomoyo, please.” She smiled sweetly up at him. 

“Royalty deserves to be called by their title.” Fai half-heartedly protested. 

“In that case, shall I begin to call you by yours?” 

Fai’s smile froze on his face. Tomoyo seemed to be almost apologetic, but there was a look to her that was determined. 

“...Tomoyo-chan, then.” 

Her smile was sweet. It was similar to Sakura’s. Two princesses. Two peas in a pod. But Tomoyo was altogether too clever, too knowing, and a bit like Mokona in the sly way she was eyeing him. She was after something, and Fai was a bit afraid to ask her what it was. 

Sakura would probably just ask outright. She would stammer and blush but be so earnest about it that Fai would laugh and give her whatever she was looking for. 

“Well now, getting diplomacy and foreign affairs out of the way-” Tomoyo started. 

“That could hardly be considered-” 

“I came here to talk to you.” Tomoyo cut him off.

“About...?” Fai warily asked. Tomoyo shot him another one of those knowing, mischievous looks. Fai was afraid to answer incorrectly, when she was done asking her questions. He tried to subtly turn his body so that he wasn’t facing her. Then he toyed with a loose string on his robe. 

“You haven’t gone to see Kurogane today. Or yesterday. Actually, you haven’t gone to see him since the surgery, since we were sure he was going to make it.” 

“You said he was fine, and he’s asleep. What is there to go see?” Fai tried to recall his contempt from days before. His hate. The cold that ran through his veins. He was coming up empty. He was still angry, beneath it all. But it no longer took precedence. His voice sounded more resigned and tired than it sounded uncaring. He didn’t dare bring himself to look at her, lest he confirm he had been found out. 

“I spoke with Syaoran earlier.” Tomoyo said out of nowhere. Fai glanced at her out of the corner of his eye. “I went to check on the wards of an ancient tree we have here in the castle. It’s where we put Sakura, in hopes that the tree will lend her some of its energy so that her body may remain strong.” She didn’t mention that he hadn’t gone to see her, either. “I ran into him there. He was watching over Sakura. Talking to her. I asked him why, and do you know what he said?” 

Fai shook his head. He didn’t know when he had turned to face her again, but he had. 

“He told me that it was his turn. To wait. He told me it had always been him going off, doing something that made everyone worry. And Sakura-chan had always been the one to wait patiently for him to return. He said she would never hold it against him, the fact that he, and the other him, had worried her. And then he told me that he was learning.” 

“Learning what?” asked Fai.

“He was learning how painful it is to wait. To feel like he could do nothing to help and to just keep hope that wherever she is, she’s alright, and she’s fighting.” 

Fai kept his eyes on her. She was staring right at him, purple eyes looking at him and through him at the same time. 

“Then he smiled at me and told me that he had seen her smile at him, the other him, whenever he returned. And she would talk to him, and he remembered how good that made him feel. And if she’s far away and can’t talk to him or see him, at least he can talk to her and see her. He could tell her how you’re alright now, and how Kurogane is recovering, and how Mokona is wreaking havoc in the kitchens. He doesn’t want her to feel alone, but he doesn’t want to hurt more than necessary either. So he’s with her, even if she’s not with him.” 

Tomoyo reached out to take him by the hand. Fai let her. 

“You know how hard it is to wait.” she accused. Fai nodded. “He’s right there. He did it for you. Why won’t you go see him? He talks sometimes, you know. He talks and whenever he’s not asking for me he’s asking for you.” 

“I don’t-” 

“He did it for you.” Tomoyo repeated calmly.

“And he shouldn’t have! I don’t deserve his sacrifice! I was terrible to him! I don’t deserve-”

“You can’t honestly look me in the eye, Fai-san, and tell me he wasn’t terrible to you too.” Of course Tomoyo knew. She had probably seen it in a dream. She knew of how Kurogane betrayed him, forced him to continue a life he didn’t want, forced him to rely on him. And all because...

“He was terrible for a different reason.” Fai admitted softly. Tomoyo scoffed. 

“And your reason was different? Misguided as it was?” 

This girl could give Yuuko a run for her money, with how insightful and off-putting she was. 

“I...” Fai forced himself to speak past the sudden lump in his throat. 

_ I’m punishing myself for how I treated him. I’m making myself hurt because if I see him, I’ll be happy. I’ll feel happy and I don’t deserve it. I didn’t kill my brother, I didn’t kill Fai. But I still did as Wang ordered. I’m still his puppet. I’m still a pawn. He’s still the witch’s.  _

_ I’m waiting because it’s what I can do. What I want to do. I want him to wake up but I want to wait forever. I don’t know how to face him now. I don’t know if I can. If I should.   _

“I wouldn’t know what to say.” Fai ended up saying.  

Tomoyo gave a thoughtful hum. “I think I know how to help with that.” She stood up and offered him her hand. “If you’ll let me, that is.” 

Fai looked up at her. A vision in purple, a morning glory glowing in the early afternoon sun. Soft, careful, lazy smile and twinkling eyes. He could see why Kurogane loved her. He was beginning to understand. 

He only took her hand to be polite, but he stood up with his own strength. She clicked her tongue at the tie around his waist and didn’t ask permission before leaning forward and adjusting it for him. 

She turned around and walked to the doorway. Fai bit back a chuckle when she sat right back down again, arranging her skirts, only to open the door, stand, walk, sit on the other side and look at Fai expectantly. 

“Don’t you have servants for that?” asked Fai, a little scandalized. 

“I’d figured you wouldn’t want any upturned ears for our little chat, vague as it was.” she chuckled. But for all the world, it seemed like she didn’t mind in the slightest. “Besides, you seem to be one that learns from observation.” 

Fai carefully stepped across the threshold and into the hallway. The sun was even brighter outside, making the small stones covering the outside garden glow a hazy white. Tomoyo shut the door behind him and rose to join him. He toed on the wooden sandals waiting for him, only struggling a little bit. Tomoyo was already gliding away. He hastened to catch up. 

She led him through the hallways, smiling softly at passersby who stopped to bow as she walked past. 

This time a servant girl was waiting, seated by the closed door, and she hastened to open it when she saw Tomoyo approach. There was a mutter of “my lady” when Tomoyo offered her a grateful smile. Fai gawked at the room they entered, a wall of silk rolls leaning against the back, more laid out on tables, some still in their looms, others hanging off ropes bound across the ceiling. 

“I’m thinking blue. It’s very much your color, you’re a winter. Perhaps with embroidery in gold, or black. What do you think?” 

Fai tore his gaze away from a roll of silk dyed a particularly interesting shade of red and looked down at her. “Sorry, what?” 

“Well, you see, we can’t have you wearing borrowed clothing forever. What if it takes him weeks to wake up? You’ll need some clothes for yourself, and I just so happen to enjoy making them.” 

“Tomoyo-chan, I can’t possibly ask you to-” 

“I’m offering, and you’re accepting.” Tomoyo turned her gleeful eyes on him. “Besides, I enjoy making beautiful things for beautiful people.” 

Fai felt his face warm up. “Tomoyo-chan.” He tried again weakly.

“So, blue? A light shade. Like the sky.” She looked him up and down. Strangely enough, Fai didn’t feel put off by her gaze. She put her hand up to her chin and considered him. “I have an obi of black and white we could use. A crest of the moon, for me of course. For Nihon. The same emblem Kurogane wears.” She looked up at him. “As for the style...” 

Fai was content with letting her do her thing. He wandered off to touch a square of cloth dyed to depict pink flower petals. 

“As for what you should say...” she trailed off again and went silent, giving him an odd look. That got his attention. He walked back up to her. 

“Tomoyo-chan?” 

“There is a custom, here, for when someone such as you wishes to convey...” Tomoyo trailed off. “Hmmm... how to put it delicately....?” 

Fai considered her, and gave a hesitant “Indelicately, then.” 

“There is a custom, here, for when a warrior takes a male lover, then.” She said, and she seemed to enjoy the way Fai’s face lit red and he stammered to protest. “But it holds a more subtle meaning, as well. It means love, yes. But it can also be seen as the resolution of many trials, of devotion. Of an accord reached. If you hope to let him know that you know why his actions were what they were....If you hope for...” Tomoyo stopped, and looked at him, as if waiting for him to speak. When she saw he didn’t, she asked outright. “What do you hope for?” 

No blushing, or stammering. No wringing hands or meek voice. Tomoyo-hime was a different breed of princess indeed. 

Fai opened his mouth, and closed it again. Truth be told, he didn’t know. He didn’t know what to hope for because he didn’t know what he wanted. Him, of course. He wanted him. But in what context? 

Him to be happy, him to be whole again. Him to forgive him. Him to not regret the decisions that brought them both here.  

He wanted to know what Kurogane wanted. And he wanted to be strong enough to survive whatever that was. 

“I just....I want to say thank you. I...” The words died in his throat. Tomoyo seemed to understand. 

“Well then, Fai-san. Sky blue?” She asked, picking out the appropriate cloth and holding it up for his approval. He nodded. Then he thought to ask-

“What’s this custom of yours, anyway?” 

Tomoyo raised a measuring tape to his collar and wound it down to reach his waist. She smiled. 

* * *

 

At least the borrowed robes hadn’t gotten in the way. 

The new ones had been completed in two days. No doubt sped along by the scores of seamstresses Tomoyo commanded. He mentioned that in Piffle, Tomoyo-chan had a machine that did the sewing. Perfect, precise, straight and curved stitches in minutes. Tomoyo looked a little dreamy and told him that the other Tomoyo had shown her in a dream. 

As they were, the long sleeves were a hindrance. They threatened to trip him, to snag on any sharp corner, to get dirty as he reached for the food at the table when Syaoran ventured to find him and looked all too concerned with his nutrition. 

He could eat, it just did nothing. 

But if it eased Syaoran’s worries just a bit, he would do it. 

Mokona checked in on him when she wasn’t busy sleeping with Sakura or playing with Syaoran or sitting by Kurogane, sure that he could hear her chatting with him, and swearing that it helped. 

Fai still hadn’t brought himself to visit him. He still had a gnawing feeling in his stomach. A remainder of long years of feeling he didn’t deserve his life, and by extension-

Him. 

He would regret it. Of course he would. An arm given in the heat of the moment, adrenaline rushing and no alternative would surely be missed once Kurogane realized that his hard-won strength was not so easily regained. 

Or even worse, he wouldn’t regret it. That hard-headed brute would probably just relish the opportunity to train again, to learn again. He would make do without. He would thrive while Fai drowned in guilt. 

But then-

* * *

 

He caught Mokona at night, nestled peacefully next to a still and silent Sakura. Fai wrenched his eyes away from what his subconscious couldn’t help but call a corpse- 

_ Syaoran’s sword was heavier than it looked, it took more strength than expected to drive it through her exposed middle, warmth gushing and trailing down his arms... _

“Moko-chan.” 

“Nnnmmm wut?” Came her sleepy response. 

“I need to speak to Yuuko-san. Go back to sleep.” He whispered. She mumbled, the jewel on her forehead lit up, and she went back to sleep when Yuuko appeared before him. She was dressed in loose robes, her hair let down, apparently preparing for bed. 

“Ah, Fai-san. To what do I owe this late-night pleasure?” 

“Yuuko-san. I don’t have much of anything left, but I need to ask regardless. I have a wish.”

* * *

 

“You know, that time before when I told you he asked for you?” Tomoyo was curious to learn his magic, if only to see if there was anything she could learn that could help her people. Fai was teaching her the scrawling, twisting script of his land, and she in turn tried to teach him kanji. Between bouts of giggling and good natured ribbing, both weren’t getting very far. 

“What about it?” 

“He would say, ‘fool’ or ‘idiot’ or ‘mage’ in his sleep. This time, though. This time he said something different.” 

Fai almost didn’t want to ask. What other insult was he expected to bear?

He sighed. “Let me guess, ‘imbecile’ or maybe ‘pain in the ass’?”

“Fai.” 

“Yes, what?” 

“No. He said ‘Fai’.” 

* * *

 

Fai remembered to kneel before he slid the door opened. Remembered to stand, step, turn around, kneel again. Close the door. Tomoyo clapped lightly as he sat next to her, smoothing out the bottom of his kimono before sitting next to her; legs together, tucked beneath him. Mokona laughed and told him he looked like a real Nihon-jin. Fai scowled and playfully poked her on the nose. 

“It won’t be long now.” Tomoyo assured him, wiping the sweat from Kurogane’s brow with a moist cloth. “His fever has broken, and we’ve managed to treat the infection. Now he just needs to decide to wake up.” 

Fai didn’t say a word. Mokona leapt from her shoulder onto his, and readjusted the tie in his hair. 

A thought struck him then. An ugly thought, as he had the chance to look at both Kurogane and Tomoyo in the same room for the first time. His thoughts wandered back to Piffle. To drunken nights, quiet conversations, and stupid questions. There he lay, without any idea that he finally had his wish. He was home. Kurogane was home, Tomoyo was looking down at him with a fond expression, and Fai was drowning. 

Kurogane had wished to return to Nihon. He wished to return to his land and his princess and here he was. What would that mean? He would stay. Surely he would stay, after wanting this for so long. 

Fai didn’t want him to. He wanted, for the first time in forever, because he was finally allowed to want. He wanted Kurogane to stay. With them, with him. Their broken little family. Desperately, Fai wondered if there was anything he could do, anything he could say that would make him want to continue on their journey. 

“Have you thought of what to say?” asked Tomoyo. Fai startled and shook his head. He looked to Kurogane’s left side. His robe was half open, the left side fastened at his side, his chest exposed. The bandages were still tinged red. The wounds opened whenever he moved in his sleep. From what Fai knew, he usually hardly ever moved in his sleep. His fever must have been giving him nightmares. 

“Mokona has a few suggestions about what you can  _ do. _ Heheheheh.” 

Fai poked her in the belly this time.  

* * *

 

Tomoyo was with him when one of the doctors sent a boy rushing off to find her. Panting, he managed to gasp out, “He- he’s waking.” 

She gave him a calm look, and Fai only knew her excitement by how quickly she stood up afterward and rushed to the door. Gracefully, of course. Like a flower petal chasing the wind. 

_ ‘Come along.’ _ Her look had said. 

Fai stood up slowly, walked to the door slowly, went through the motions slowly, ghosted his way through the halls and came to a stop outside Kurogane’s door. He could hear soft voices through the thin screen doors. 

Kurogane was finally with his princess again. He was finally home. Fai was happy for him. Fai was really trying to be happy for him. 

He waited outside the door, and briefly considered what he would say when Tomoyo-hime’s hushed tones rose to bid him enter.  

Did he really have any words left to say? Kurogane knew the worst of him, knew his lies, his betrayal, his guilt, and still he had chosen to save him. Even after Fai had been cruel. The man had the underlying patience of a saint, beneath that temper. Maybe it was a requirement of his training. 

Well, a greeting was in order first. A ‘rise and shine, sleepyhead’, or- 

_ Good morning, Kurogane. _

No. Not that. Never that again. Fai tugged at his ridiculously long sleeves and considered his options. 

-chan? -rin? -pi? No, those had all been distancing techniques, and to be quite honest with himself, Fai wanted words expressly designed to close the distance between the two of them as quickly as possible. 

Suddenly, Fai remembered an afternoon when they walked together quietly in between food stalls in the moon festival during their time in Yama. He remembered a girl jumping into a young soldier’s arms, her cry of glee, and he remembered looking up to see the wistful expression on Kurogane’s face. 

_ Anata _

It was curious how Mokona didn’t translate their thoughts, because the word still didn’t transfer. He was about to whisper it, see if he could discover the actual meaning of it when he heard Tomoyo’s voice calling him from inside the sliding door. 

He reached out and slid it open before he lost his nerve, and stepped into the room. 

The furisode would have to do. 


	2. Curved Lines

Kurogane knew he was dreaming. 

He opened his eyes and saw Tomoyo looking down at him, eyes full of concern and love. She opened her mouth just as his eyes drew closed once more.

It had to be a dream. She was walking his dreams again, and he would have a few words with her when he managed to make it back home. She knew he hated it when she did that. But she hadn’t done it in a while. Since Piffle, if he recalled correctly. At least that was the last time she’d let herself into his dreams. Into his mind was a whole other story. 

 

_ If you wish with all your heart to keep him by your side, then- _

 

He forced his eyes open one more time and looked past Tomoyo.

It had to be a dream. But the sky…

The night sky through the window behind her looked just like  _ his. _ Just like Nihon. 

Then that meant… 

“...Princess Tomoyo.” 

She continued to stare. Her gaze was just as solemn and sharp as he remembered it to be. 

“You are, aren’t you?” He asked her, pleading in his mind for her to confirm it. To finally be home. 

She blinked. “I am.” She smiled. “Welcome home, Kurogane.” 

He breathed. It hurt to breathe. Kurogane could feel bandages wrapped tight around his middle and around the arm his mind was convinced was still there, but he knew better. He didn’t try to move it when he used his remaining right to push himself up to a sitting position. He breathed to center himself, let himself realize where he was and what it had taken to get there. 

Tomoyo looked at him patiently, but with a hint of surprise when all he did for a few minutes was simply allow himself to breathe and take stock. 

Celes. Everything that had happened. Tomoyo’s voice in his head, and the desperation he had hoped never to feel again as he met the wizard’s defeated gaze and- 

The ninja cleared his throat and looked at his sovereign head-on.

“Back then, I heard a voice…” 

* * *

Tomoyo’s magic felt like shade on a summer day. Her aura was like waves cresting at the command of the moon. He had missed the safety she invoked with her mere presence, the calm she exuded. 

They had run into many magic users in between their travels, and Kurogane knew now that those with power- real power -couldn’t really hide it. Perhaps it was his mother’s blood in him that let him sense such things. He had a feeling that his level of sensitivity was usually only reserved for magic users themselves. He could sense how Sakura’s blazing star-bright magic grew every time she was joined with one of her feathers. The kid sparked like lightning, like a raging storm. The Witch felt like something ancient and powerful and dying. Fai was electric, cold, and terrifyingly infinite. Kurogane wondered, idly, if Fai’s magic in its halved state was stronger than Tomoyo’s. It would have to be measured at its half, because at the moment he knew Fai had very little left.

Perhaps. Perhaps not. What did Kurogane know about magic? 

But he knew about strength. He knew, now, what it was. 

And he knew the wizard had a hell of a lot of it. 

Because Kurogane was knocked back and caught against the curtains. His head was pounding, his jaw ached, and Fai was looking down at him with a smug grin, a glittering blue eye, and his fist held to his front. 

“That was payback, Kuro-sama!” 

Kurogane’s eyes caught on the sleeve around Fai’s wrist. He didn’t need to follow it down to reconfirm the way it trailed down half of the wizard’s height.

“You’re going to get punched out, you creep!” Kurogane always gave as good as he got, especially where the mage was concerned. Fai’s grin widened by a few teeth, and his lips curved to form a new word when Tomoyo butted in. 

“Such threats towards a guest of the castle!” She chastised. “Kurogane! I send you away and you return the same brute you left as!” 

Fai looked at the princess with wide, gleeful eyes. 

Kurogane yelled, and it felt as if he were truly, finally, home. “He attacked me! In a fucking sickbed, Tomoyo! And  _ I’m _ the one you’re yelling at?!” 

“Language!” She sniffed at him. She hid a giggle at his reproachful look behind her sleeve and then primly looked down her nose at him. “Fai-san is not the one on bed rest who is forbidden from moving lest he rip open his stitches.” She stood up, and in the same motion, she gestured at Fai to sit. He did so without hesitation, but he craned his neck back as she made her way out of the wide room. 

“You’re leaving?” Fai asked. 

“Yes.” She didn’t even offer either of them a glance back. “He looks well enough, and I think I’ve done my fair share of sitting restlessly at his bedside. I daresay it’s time you pull your weight, Fai-san. Please keep an eye on him for me.”    

“B-but!” Kurogane watched with interest as Fai’s composure slipped and panic took over his features, “Tomoyo-chan!” 

What exactly had happened while he was asleep that led to the wizard and his princess taking on such a casual tone with each other? Kurogane looked suspiciously between the two of them. 

Tomoyo laughed and shut the sliding door behind her, and Kurogane was left alone with the wizard. 

The wizard. The twin. The brother. Victim. Liar. Friend. Puppet.  _ His _ puppet, just as Kurogane was  _ hers. _

 

_ …The vampire.  _

 

“Are you hungry?” He asked, out of a sense of duty more than willingness. He felt woozy. His medication was in a small basket at his bedside, along with clean bandages and dressing. He didn’t know how much blood he had available to give, but it was his wish to give it. 

Fai didn’t turn around to look at him. He continued staring determinedly at the closed door, willing it to open and Tomoyo to step back through. But Kurogane knew she walked his dreams. He knew what she’d been implying when she whispered in his mind, and so he knew she’d be difficult about this. 

Despite everything she thought about him, he did know when to pick his battles. 

“You used up your magic. I feel your fatigue, mage, so if you’re thinking about lying-” 

“How can you still be like this?” Fai finally turned around. His voice was strained. Disbelieving. His eye had no right to be shining so brightly in the darkness. “You nearly died of bloodloss, and you’re asking me if I’m hungry?! Yes, Kuro-sama, I am. But I’m not going to feed, so if you’re thinking about offering-”

Kurogane shrugged and changed the subject. “So Tomoyo’s done her share of sitting at my bedside, huh? Where were you? Where’s the kid? Tomoyo said she’d explain about Sakura tomorrow, but for now…” 

Fai fidgeted in discomfort. He looked to the door again. “Syaoran came, so did Moko-chan. But I… I… couldn’t bring myself to come. I’m sorry.” 

“Don’t be. I was asleep. I didn’t know. The only one you were hurting was yourself.” 

Fai jerked like he’d been slapped, but Kurogane was never one to mince his words around anyone. His shoulders slumped, and suddenly Fai seemed very interested in the pattern of the tatami floor.

Kurogane looked at him. Fai, in his vampire state, didn’t need rest. But Sakura let slip that he slept around her, when they holed themselves up in her room together in Infinity. She said sleep was a hard human habit to kick, and right now he looked tired. Tired, with shadows beneath his eyes and a tense posture that betrayed the fact he was holding himself too tightly in an effort to keep conscious.  

Kurogane’s gaze traveled from Fai’s face to his legs. He stared pointedly at how they were folded, and Fai squirmed under the scrutiny.

“Tomoyo teach you to sit like that?” 

“Yes. She… taught me a lot about your customs.” Fai answered.

“Including how to smooth the bottom out before sitting?”

“Yes.” 

“And keeping your legs together and beneath you?” Kurogane asked. 

 

_ Did she teach you about the kimono you’re wearing? Those sleeves? _

 

“She said that’s how you’re supposed to sit when wearing one of these.” Fai gestured at his furisode, his fingers curled around the edge of the sleeves. “Though it is looser than a woman's, I think she was being kind when she dressed me.” His face broke out into a leery grin. “No option for a maid outfit though, I’m sure you’re happy to know.” 

Kurogane hummed. He looked at Fai, and Fai tried to keep a straight face when looking back. But Kurogane was able to sense his discomfort on more than just the vampiric level, and he let his lips quirk up at the ends. Fai frowned, resolute to keep the air of elegance that he had been trying so hard to maintain but-  

“Your legs are killing you, aren't they?” Kurogane was grinning. 

Fai whined in response and nodded. Kurogane barked a short laugh and shuffled to the side. He tried moving his cover off with his left hand, but a moment or two of grasping with air reminded him to use his right. Fai noticed, but didn’t say anything. Kurogane gestured at the cleared space by nodding, and Fai gave a sheepish smile when he obliged. 

“It's hard to sit like that when you're not accustomed to it.” Kurogane said. Fai settled in next to him and pulled open the bottom of his robes to rub some feeling back into his calves, muttering complaints. Kurogane’s eyes followed the arc of his curved back, the silvery shine of his hair in the moonlight, and the blood red cord that tied it back. 

“It’s getting long…” He muttered, and slowly realized that he was being awfully talkative. 

“What was that?” Fai glanced at him over his shoulder with a cautious smile. Kurogane wondered how those silver strands would feel against his lips. He wondered what his lips would taste of without the taint of his own blood. 

“Your hair.” Kurogane answered, and tried shaking his head to clear it. Tomoyo said they had given him something to ease the pain. Maybe it was more effective than alcohol. No, it wasn’t just a maybe. It definitely was. 

His eyelids were getting heavy, and his vision was fuzzing at the edges. 

“You’re tired. Go back to sleep, Kuro-sama.” Fai said softly, and Kurogane grunted. 

“We should… talk. Tomoyo’ll be… impossible… if we don’t…” 

“There’ll be time for that tomorrow.” 

“You’ll run away.” Kurogane said, making no effort to hide the reproach in his voice. He knew the magician well. 

But Fai laughed. A sad laugh, but it was honest. “Will you sleep if I promise not to go anywhere?” 

“Sure.”

“Then I promise.”

It was odd, Kurogane mused, hearing Fai speak his tongue as translated by the pork bun in this country. He suddenly looked all the more foreign, in stark contrast to the rigid lines of the room around them. He fit in better with the curves of the clouds hanging silver edges against the dark sky. 

He could just imagine them. Fai, and his brother. Hanging the stars in the sky with their small hands clasped together between them. Eyes as solemn as Tomoyo’s. He wondered who was stronger… 

Kurogane didn’t hear Fai speaking to him. He didn’t feel his cool hands gently guide him back onto the futon to rest. He didn’t even notice when he closed his eyes. The image of the night sky remained where it was in his mind. 

* * *

This time when he woke up, it only took a handful of seconds to recall where they were and what had happened. It took a few more seconds to wonder, if his left was the arm he’d lost, then why couldn’t he move the one on the right?

And why was he so cold?

He turned his head and saw blue gazing down at him. 

It surprised him a little. That he had stayed. 

Fai smiled. “...Good morning-” 

 

_ Kurogane. _

 

“-Kuro-sama.” 

Relief bloomed in his chest. Fai sat with his arms wrapped around his knees. The kimono had either come loose in the night, or he’d tugged at it himself, because it hung a lot looser than it was supposed to on his slim frame. 

“Hey.” He answered. Fai shifted positions and suddenly he could feel his arm again. He pulled it away and used it to sit up too. 

The clouds that hung in the sky were framed by the blues and yellows and soft pink of the sunrise. Tomoyo wouldn’t bother them for a few more hours. 

There wasn’t a breeze to push in the curtains, or rattle the screen doors. All was still. They sat together in silence for a while as Kurogane eased himself into wakefulness, just sharing space. Neither seemed all too sure how to behave around the other. 

As he slowly awoke, Kurogane could feel the presence of an itch beneath his skin. It was almost as if he could  _ feel _ Fai’s restlessness on top of his hunger. But Fai didn’t let his discomfort show, and he wasn’t talking his ear off. Kurogane could only remember two other occasions such as that, and Fai hadn’t known the language in the only one he had the heart to recall. So Kurogane made to break the silence and solve the most pressing issue between them.

“You're hungry.” 

Fai looked away from the window and puffed out an irritated sigh. “Yes. But I thought we settled that, Kuro-tan.”

“If you need to-”

“Kuro-sama, I told you-” 

“Are you doing this to punish yourself again? Like before?”  

Fai had the gall to look offended by his accusation. “No! I’m simply prioritizing your health, you rash idiot! It can wait. Honestly Kuro-tan! If you keep this up, I will get Tomoyo! Don’t tempt me.”  

So that wasn’t it. Something else was bothering the mage. Faced with his unnatural silence, it was up to Kurogane to press the issue.

“Did you sleep?” he asked. 

“No.” 

“Why?” 

“I told myself I’d stop lying now. I didn’t count on you suddenly asking so many questions.” Fai glanced over at him with a twinkle in his eye. Kurogane snorted, but waited. The smile dropped from his face, and he gave a weary shrug. Technically, omission didn’t count as a lie. And Kurogane knew how it felt to have one’s past shared without permission. He wasn’t going to rush things needlessly. They had time. 

Instead of answering, Fai turned his gaze out the window. He seemed to be following the flight pattern of the tonbi circling above the castle gardens. No doubt getting ready to dive and try to steal some unsuspecting person’s breakfast. Fucking menaces. 

“Tonbi.” Kurogane supplied. Fai glanced back at him when he realized he had given him the bird’s name. 

“Tonbi?” He tried the word. Kurogane knew that tone from Yama. ‘Tonbi’ apparently didn’t translate.  

“They’re annoying. They’ll swoop down and swipe food right from your hand if you’re not on alert. My father used to send me off to the highest cliff facing the lake, with onigiri wrapped in a furoshiki. Wouldn’t even let me have lunch in peace. It was always part of my training.”

Fai’s eye was wide, and Kurogane gave a little smile. Fai looked at a loss for words. 

“What? I saw yours. It’s only fair if I tell you a bit about mine.” 

“You don’t have to.” Fai protested. Kurogane’s smile didn’t leave his face. It felt odd, like he wasn’t used to it. Well, he wasn’t. But Fai was alive, sitting next to him, being honest. The mask was finally off. If there were ever a time…

“I know.”

That dumbstruck expression didn’t leave his face. Kurogane felt a small bit of satisfaction at that. Fai closed his mouth, gave him a small smile, then leaned back against the cushions. 

“Well then, Kuro-sama. Tell me a story.” 

 

Kurogane told him about his mother, her soft smiles, caring hands, the times she made him zashi-sushi after a long day of training with his father. He told Fai about her power, her strength, her wards, her illness. Fai gave him quiet sounds of sympathy and understanding. 

He told him about his father, his booming voice, loud laughter, calloused hands, and patient nature. The times he would bound after him, the regal lord chasing his monkey of a son up a tree because the son refused to take a bath. He told him of the sound of his mother’s laughter, light and happy. 

Fai asked after any siblings. Kurogane told him he had always wanted a sister, but he now understood why his father hadn’t wanted to risk another child. Fai asked about any friends. Kurogane told him about a few of the servants’ children that he would play with when he was small. But soon enough they only saw him as the little lord and felt unworthy of rolling in the mud with him. 

Fai shifted to lay on his side and propped his head on the heel of his hand. He asked about any special girls, and Kurogane rolled his eyes and scoffed. Completely transparent. 

In exchange, Fai told him about Fai. About small hands clasped together, magical moments hidden in corners, behind curtains, underneath tables, below beds. Spaces where it was only them and they were safe. Whispers of magic shared between them. They hadn’t been taught, then. Hadn’t been allowed to learn. But Yui and Fai were clever, and they hid books and watched the others from the shadows. 

Fai told him about Yui. Kurogane repeated the words Fai had told him. 

“You don’t have to-” 

Fai smiled sadly, rolled onto his stomach to hide his face in his crossed arms, and told him about a little boy who had been so scared, and so angry, and so intent on protecting his brother. They never told them which of them was the oldest. Fai suspected that it had been Yui. 

Kurogane took up where Fai left off. Silence between them still felt uncomfortable, a heavy memory of a time not at all long ago. He told him of Tomoyo and her airs, Kendappa and the rigidness of her army. Of Souma and her training regiment that was somehow even more grueling than his father’s. In the middle of it, Fai had somehow managed to drape himself over Kurogane’s lap like a big lazy cat. His voice as he shot off questions was drawling and littered with yawns.

He asked about life in the castle, and Kurogane did his best to explain the political atmosphere of Shirasagi; of Nihon. He sidetracked into cultural customs and paused on the subject of honorifics and family names.

Kurogane had a thought. He never called the mage by name, anyway, so it didn’t really matter. But he knew about Yui now, even if he never planned on calling him that. 

“It’s only fair, that I tell you this. Kurogane was my father’s name. I took it up when I came here.” He looked down at Fai. He wanted to see his face when he told him.  

His eye was closed, and he lay with his head pillowed in his arms over Kurogane’s thighs, his bangs swaying back and forth with each exhale that crossed his parted lips. 

Asleep.

Kurogane huffed, irked. The cry of a tonbi soaring high above stilled his fist before it could smack into the wizard’s shoulder. He unclenched his hand and instead used his fingers to sweep Fai’s hair away from his face. It was soft. Clean for the first time since Le Court. His neck was craned upwards a little awkwardly, something that would no doubt end in endless complaints about sore necks and how it was  _ all Kuro-won’s fault for letting me lay for so long-! _ The cheek pressed against him was warmed by the morning sunlight cheerfully streaming in with the full force of a new day. Dust glittered in its rays and Fai looked as if he were spun from gold. 

But his mouth hung open in a way so unattractive and unlike him that Kurogane grunted to hide a laugh and shook him awake. Fai protested in his sleep.

“Nnngh… stop it.”

“Get off of me.” 

Kurogane watched as his golden eye opened and Fai blearily asked, “Huh? What?” 

Vampires didn’t need sleep. Vampires didn’t need sleep but it spoke volumes that Fai wasn’t pretending. “Get off me and go to your own room.”

Fai blinked a couple of times, lifted off of him and stretched like a goddamned cat, then pouted up at him. Still half on top of him, like nothing had changed and nothing was different. Kurogane half-expected the kid to come bursting in chasing a drunk Sakura and Mokona. 

“I haven’t slept in days.” Fai said matter-of-factually with an edge of a whine.

“That’s your own damn fault.”

“How rude! I was wallowing in wait for you to wake up!” 

“I didn’t ask you to!” 

“You made me promise to! And now you want me to leave?!” He twisted and stood up in one fluid motion and crossed his arms when he glared down at him. Kurogane felt that familiar, oh, so familiar spike of annoyance and reluctant fondness rear its head at the resurgence of Fai’s playful tone. 

“That’s literally what I’m trying to get you to do!” He yelled up at him. 

“But is it what you want?” Fai’s voice dropped suddenly, heavy and serious. Kurogane froze at the sound of it. Fai smiled, and it didn’t reach his eye. “I… sorry. Sorry. You just reminded me of why I couldn’t sleep and I…” He looked a bit frantically towards the door. “You’re right. I’m tired. I should get a longer nap in before Tomoyo does her rounds-” 

“Mage.” Kurogane reached out and tugged at Fai’s sleeve before he could take more than a step away. “I asked you not to run away.” He reminded him quietly.

Fai remained silent. Then he sighed. “Old habits, Kuro-tan.” 

“Why couldn’t you sleep before?” 

“Because I was dreading this.” He said, and Kurogane made a sound of confusion, so he went on with a helpless wave of his hands. “All night. All night I thought… It’s still your turn, isn’t it? After all, you said we always do what Sakura-chan and I want. So what do you want?”

“I told you in that room that what I want doesn’t-”

“Well I’ve decided that it does.” Fai gave him a pained smile, as if telling him to relax. It did the exact opposite. When that pain reached the look in Fai’s eye, the arms crossed in front of his chest shifted until he was hugging himself, unsure. 

“I’m… I… This game of ours, Kuro-sama…” 

He waited silently for Fai to go on, and Fai looked at him resentfully for making him carry the weight of speaking alone. 

“I’m tired of playing it.” 

Kurogane felt ice settle in his stomach. “It wasn’t much of a game. You let me see through your lies, mage.” 

“I never  _ let _ you see anything.” Fai spat out, and Kurogane held back to urge to growl back at his lie. Fai had known that he saw. Somewhere along the line, his lies became a cry for help. He took a breath.  

“You’ve got more to say. So say it. Punch me again, if that’s what you need to do. But don’t lie.”

Fai leaned forward as if he were going to take him up on that, but thought better of it and stood back. He eyed him, both warily and wearily. He had bags under his eyes that could even be seen below the patch on the left.  

“I’m still angry.” His voice was strong. He didn’t waver. “I think a small part of me will always be angry, regardless of how everything turned out, regardless of…” Fai’s eye shifted from Kurogane’s face and traced down the dip of his neck to where his shoulder ended in bandages. “Kuroga…-sama. Kuro-sama,” Kurogane winced at the near miss at the same time as Fai. “A ‘thank you’ isn’t… it isn’t enough. For all you’ve done, for all you m-mean to me, but…” 

Ashura was gone. The pull of the bastard behind the sword was gone. Fai was free for the first time in his life, Kurogane had given an arm to see it so. Fai was free. 

So why did he still look so scared?

His thin, pale lips opened and closed for a few moments. He sucked in a steadying breath and whispered,  “I don’t know what you want. From me. I don’t…”

“Mage…” He spoke the title before he could think that perhaps, after everything, his chosen name might be more of a comfort.  

“You’re here. You’re home. You can stay. Do you want that? I don’t know if what you want is something I can give. I don’t know if I can, but I… I just… I need to know, Kuro-sama. What do you want?”

Complicated. But fuck every god that ever existed, why did things have to continue to be so  _ complicated? _

“I wanted you to live-” 

Fai bristled immediately at the start of his sentence. “That’s not-” 

“Let me finish.” He said forcefully, and Fai shut his mouth. But the arms wrapped around himself tensed. Kurogane sighed and ran a hand through his hair. 

“I wanted you to live. I made a choice, and it wasn’t for you. We did things my way, I did what I wanted, and I don’t regret it. I never will, but I do regret what that meant for you. That I forced you into it.” He made sure to meet Fai’s eye before he went on. “I took your choice. And you have the right to your anger. To hate me.” His voice faltered in a moment of weakness he had grown enough to know that it was okay, this weakness. He looked away from Fai and his blazing look. He looked at his hand on his lap and tried to ignore the way Fai washed out the rest of the colors in the world. 

“But I don’t.” Fai sounded angry and fed up with himself. Hope brought Kurogane’s eyes up to meet Fai’s again. “I don’t hate you, and I should, and I hate that I can’t.” 

Now that he had the truth, Kurogane tried not to mourn Fai’s lies, even if they would be easier to hear. 

“ _ I _ hate you.” Kurogane deadpanned in a weak attempt to lighten the mood. It wasn’t a lie, not entirely. He didn’t lie. 

Fai let out a wet sounding huff of a laugh. “I know, Kuro-sama.” He let his arms fall and one hand immediately went to tug on his opposite long sleeve. Kurogane sighed again, and tried to think of the right words to wipe that forlorn expression from the magician’s face. 

“Fai.” He called softly, and Fai’s face looked cracked open and hopeful. “You owe me nothing. It’s not about what I want. It never has been. But if you want to know what I want so badly...”

Fai nodded. Kurogane thought of Mokona’s desperation, Syaoran’s despair, and Sakura’s determination. He thought of her body run through with the kid’s sword, and the smile she gave them all before she was led away by that weird-eared automata. 

She asked them to take care of Fai. Kurogane had a feeling Fai himself was included in that statement. 

“I want you to think of yourself as being just as important as those kids. That you give yourself the same protection you give them. I want you to see yourself as important, because you’re important to them too.”

He expected Fai to frown at him and then make some bad joke about his self-worth. He didn’t expect to see his eye automatically well up with tears, and he stood up quickly to try and comfort him somehow. 

“Crap. What the hell, what did I say?” An apology died on his tongue when he saw Fai duck his head and  _ laugh _ through his tears. Kurogane stood awkwardly in front of him, arm half outstretched in a cut off embrace. Through his watery giggles, he heard Fai speak. 

“Like father, like daughter, huh?” He sniffled.

“What are you talking about?” Kurogane grumbled, a bit embarrassed by how quickly he jumped into action. 

“You’re too late, Kuro-sama.” Fai explained, and he sounded so happy. 

“What?” he asked irritably. He kneeled for a second and grabbed a clean handkerchief from the medicine basket and shoved it in the wizard’s face. He took it with another small laugh and dabbed at his eye. 

“Sakura already made me promise the same thing.” Fai said, and Kurogane grinned with pride. 

“That’s my-” Kurogane cut himself off when he realized what he had been about to say. 

But Fai didn’t miss it, and his face broke out in an even wider grin. “Was Kuro-daddy about to say  _ ‘that’s my girl’ _ ?” 

“No.”

“You were! You were, weren’t you!? You know, I was only teasing this whole time. I didn’t figure you’d actually make for such a proud papa!”

“Oh shut up! Go somewhere else if you’re going to be obnoxious!”

“Oh! Now you’re telling me to leave again!?”

“Yeah! So leave!”

Fai huffed comically at him, puffed out cheeks and crossed arms and all. He wiped his face one more time and tucked the cloth in his sleeve. He turned on his heel dramatically, and the sleeves flared around him. “Fine! I think I’ve done my fair share of sitting restlessly at your bedside anyway! Tomoyo can’t yell at me for leaving, especially not with you being so mean!”

“You  _ punched _ me!” Kurogane pointed out, and watched as Fai straightened out and fixed his kimono as he walked away. 

“You deserved it.” Fai quipped back. But he stopped at the doorway and looked back to consider Kurogane with a thoughtful little frown.  

“One more thing,” Fai said, and before Kurogane could blink, or even process the fact that Fai had begun to move, he found a thin, cold set of lips pressed against his own. He let out a muffled noise of surprise and felt Fai smile against him. The gesture was over in an instant. Kurogane opened eyes he wasn’t entirely aware he’d closed when Fai took in a shuddering breath and pulled away. He felt Fai’s hands fall from where they’d suddenly been held against his chest. 

Fai fell back on the balls of his feet, and his smile was apologetic. He tilted his head to the side and brought a hand up again to smooth the fabric of Kurogane’s robe over his bandages. 

“I don’t think that time in Infinity was fair to either of us.” He whispered.

Kurogane’s heart was caught in his throat. But he figured he’d already done enough speaking, so he reached out and curled his arm around Fai’s waist to pull him close. Fai’s hand slid up to tip his chin down and cup his jaw as he surged up, wrapping his free arm around Kurogane’s neck and going onto his tiptoes to kiss him again. Kurogane wasn’t taken by surprise this time, and he made sure to meet him halfway, bending forward just slightly to adjust for their heights. 

For the first time since he cut it off, he wished he had his other arm back so he could run his hand up the back of Fai’s neck and bury it in his hair. Press them closer together. But this was fine, too. This soft thing between them, standing in each other’s arms, soft sighs escaping in the narrow space between their lips when they parted to take a breath. 

It was different this time, as firsts were supposed to be. The feel of Fai’s icy lips moving slowly against his own was soft. Pressing lightly, never demanding more than chaste little pecks and fond playful nips. Tender in the way Kurogane pulled back oh-so-slightly, letting their lips brush, feather-light and airy, just to look at him for a fraction of a second. To convince himself that this was real. 

When Fai bit at his bottom lip, the kiss wasn’t tainted by the taste of Kurogane’s blood. The hands clutching at him had no intent to hurt, only a desire to get closer. 

At his back, Kurogane felt the warmth of sunshine. And Kurogane didn’t know what the fuck sunlight was supposed to taste like, but Fai’s breath was sour and his probably wasn’t any better but fuck if he cared. His mother’s bedtime stories had been just that: stories. Fai had rescued himself when he chose to let go, and Kurogane had come home after a battle well fought, and maybe, after everything, they could both go after their happy endings and just  _ take them. _ By force, if they needed to. 

“You’re thinking too loudly.” Fai complained. Kurogane felt him pout and opened his eyes to glare at him, but got distracted by a ridiculous kiss on the nose. He frowned, but before he could grumble Fai’s hands both moved to frame his face, and he kissed him one last time. He leaned back and gave Kurogane a teasing smile.

“Sakura-chan knew, you know. She teased me about you.” Fai said. Then he looked troubled, and Kurogane let go of his grip of the mage’s obi to reach up and ruffle his hair.

“We’ll get her back.” Kurogane swore when Fai finished squawking that it hurt. 

Fai nodded once. There was a look in his eye that reminded Kurogane of a princess seated on an egg-shaped chair, a chain around her neck and fire in her eyes. 

 

_ Like father, like daughter. _

 

“Yes. We will.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> When i planned this chapter out two years ago I was gonna tell you about the time i went to japan on a high school exchange program and had to go to my host sister’s grandma’s house for dinner and i sat seiza for an hour and a half and lost the ability to walk for a solid twenty minutes afterward. But now it’s two years later and i live in japan and lemme tell you seiza ain’t any easier now I feel Fai’s pain acutely.
> 
> So. This is. The end? Probably. Potentially. I don’t have anything else planned, really. I might? Do an epilogue type thing set in clow or nirai kanai but i’m not… sure. This already took me like three years


End file.
